5 Ways to Make the Olympics Even More Interesting

As I sit here watching the Opening Ceremonies of the Summer Olympics in London, bombarded with a stream of commercials, I am reminded that NBC, which paid a lot of money for the rights to broadcast the Games, needs viewers like me to watch and pay attention to its advertisers.  I will now do my duty as a citizen of the world and offer some ideas that might boost viewership.

1. Olympic wrestlers should incorporate some Professional Wrestling techniques in their matches to make things more exciting. Maybe it could be transformed into a judging competition -- points for best bodyslam or figure-four-leg-lock.  Each wrestler should have to create a "character" for him-or-herself, either a hero or a heel, and they can be judged on their name, their costume, their choice of entrance music. The WWE knows how to put on a show.

2. Let's have some Quidditch! The sport made famous in the Harry Potter books and movies would be a big hit with kids and grown-up fans alike. Of course, they would have to add jet-packs to the brooms so they can be flown through the air -- grounded Quidditch is just silly.

3. I think Paintball as an Olympic sport would be a big hit. Wait, hear me out!  I know it's violent and guns, even the ones that only shoot paint pellets, are a symbol anti-everything that the Games represent, but the key element would be to have the athletes in this competition actually be politicians and Olympic sponsors.  I want to see political leaders and marketers go after each other, since they try to polticize and monetize the sports showcase anyway.

4. I want to bring back some sports from antiquity. How about Jousting! The athletes would have to wear modern suits of armor of course, these aren't gladiator fights and I'm not bloodthirsty, I just think it would be fun to see representatives of each country on horseback (or mechanized horses if anyone objects) trying to knock each other down with long sticks.

5. Finally, we should hand out some Honorary Medals to give some of the less successful nations a chance at victory. Best Flag, for example, would definitely go to Albania (the country of my ancestors, which Bob Costas rudely pointed out during the Opening Ceremonies has never won a medal in its history). There could be a People's Choice Award for the most popular athletes -- the Jamaican Bobsled team might have actually won something.

There you have it.  Any other ideas?  I'm going to watch them light the torch now.